Seeds Have to Die to Live

        Family.  

     What does that word conjure up for you?  The family under your roof?   Your parents? If you are an adult, your childhood?  Your siblings?  Their children?  Spouses of siblings? Aunts? Uncles? Grandparents?  Cousins?  Spouses?  Family.

     "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family."  Been there.  Heard that.  Other than my spouse, whom I did choose, that's true.  And once we were married, another whole family came into the mix.   
      
           Family has brought me some of my most memorable moments.  Some of my heart-stopping, belly-deep, face-hurting, uncontrolled drooling, snorting laughs. Some of my greatest unfathomable joy filled times of wonder. And some of my deepest hurts, biggest sorrows and darkest moments. 

     Family.
 
     When Family hurts us, we could walk away and give up. But that's not what we typically do.  We dig in our heels, we take a deep breath and we try to fix it.  We try to make it better.  We try to make peace.  At least that's what God has continually called me to do in these past few years of some of the most difficult days of my existence here on earth.  "Seek peace."  "Whenever it is at all possible, do all you can to seek peace."  "Forgive."  "You are forgiven to the extent that you forgive." "You are judged to the extent that you judge."  "Peace."  

     Peace is painful.  Look at Miss America's favorite catch-phrase:  World Peace.  Think of those that have given their lives for others' peace.  Peace comes with a big price tag.  Peace is earned through much humility and much sacrifice.  The price of peace is the dying to self.  Dying is indeed painful whether it's dying to pride, dying to dreams and hopes, dying to what "I have a right to", or just plain dying for someone else.  Peace is painful.

       Friends, well, we care about them, yes.  But if they hurt us too much, or are too unfair, or make unkind judgments or statements, or well, whatever they do that is undesirable, we can choose to step away.  We don't need to continue to interact, associate, seek-out or otherwise subject ourself to unhealthy relationships. We can shake off the dust of our sandals and move on.  But family.  If we are truly following God's word, we can't just walk away.  We shouldn't just walk away. 

     The question I'm pondering today, since we can't choose our family and can't choose our children's traits and habits and personalities, what is God's design for these relationships?  

      Perhaps, just maybe, God uses those in our lives, and most especially our families, to help us grow.  Grow personally.  Mature.  Die to self.  A seed has to die before it can become something else.  Before it can take root.  Before it can grow.  

     So here I am back at the seed analogy -- the seeds and the stepping stones.  What was that quote from a few days ago?  

"God not only walks with us through the hard times...

       ...He turns them into stepping stones that take us places

       we never could have gone without them."  ~ Holly Gerth

     Could it be that the intricate interweaving of family complete with difficulties and incredible moments of happiness are stepping stones that take us places within ourselves that we never could have gone without them?  

     Without them, without the lessons we learn from our interactions, we would not be on this path.  Without the challenges of family, God could not have made that situation, that hurt, into a stepping stone to help us along our way.  Could this be yet another seed dropped between the stepping stones?
     
     These past three and a half years give or take have brought me the most difficult moments with family: hurts -- deep, dark hurts, sorrows--gut wrenching, sleep-losing sorrows, frustrations--pounding the steering wheel and screaming at God frustrations, tears--countless tears from someone who hates to cry, lost dreams, sacrifices, wonderings about if my life will ever be the same again. And it won't.  That is a given.  
     
    But,  What if I looked at my life as a pathway winding up a mountain side and through the valleys?  What if I look at each situation as one stepping stone along this path of life?  What if I look at each piece of grass, each patch of moss, each wildflower, as a seed that had to die to self to become part of this beautiful scene we ultimately call life?
 
      That's certainly something to ponder.

    In the meantime, I have been called to die to self.  To seek peace.  To reach for and grab onto the hand of The One, the only One who loves me for no other reason than He loves me and created me.   So I will reach.  I will pray.  I will walk.  I will step on those stones and keep going until I see what is around that next bend.  I will hope that the dying seed creates a life in its wake. 


   I will do my best and pray about the rest. 


  




 




      

A Good Cry or a Good Glock?

     I'm stealing my Facebook status and putting it here -- the one about me not being used to being a girlie girl that cries easily.  I'm a TomBoy by most meanings of the word.  Maybe that's why God gave me boys. For me to be weepy is quite unusual.  For me to cry for more than a moment, is not typical, and even that doesn't come often.  Not saying that's good or bad. It just is.  I'm finding several things to cry about these past few days.  Blah. I really don't like crying.  As I put on Facebook, being a girl is overrated if I have to deal with this.  The last time I remember being this way was after my second miscarriage in a row and that was over a decade ago. And before that, was when my beloved Aunt passed away after a car accident.  I'm not your stereotypical cry easily kinda gal.  So, the other day, when I got the speeding ticket and just couldn't stop crying, I didn't know what to do with myself. And my son didn't know what to do with me, but he did offer to drive so I didn't kill us while crying and driving.  Good idea.  And my husband, well, he didn't say anything, try to fix anything, or solve anything, he just hugged. Smart guy.  They aren't used to me being like that either.  Then, this weekend, again, and today, again, tears.  Over things that would normally bother me, even tick me off, but not tears.  Enough!  Sure it's been a tough month.  Heck, it's been a tough several years..well as many years as I can remember, but most definitely for sure the past four.  But, so what?  Life is tough.  Pull up your drawers and mosey along.  Do your thing.  Make it work.  Do your best and pray about the rest.  Right?  There's something good somewhere. Tomorrow's another day.  This too shall pass.  Etc., etc.  Of course, being a TomBoy, I can think of things that would help.  A good sweat-filled, asthma huffing, kicking, screaming, punching bout at Taekwondo would surely help.  But, I can't do TKD right now due to health issues.  Ok, how's about a nice, loud session at a shooting range with a trusty glock or M16 or Rifle?  Problem is:  no gun, no range.  But, oh, how either would help get rid of some of this emotion that needs to go somewhere.  So, instead, I'll just do what I always do...one minute leads to the next and the next hour leads to the next and someone needs me to do something so I'll do that and before I know it, it'll be tomorrow.  The sun'll come out tomorrow, right?  Bet your bottom dollar that the sun will shine?  Just thinkin' about tomorrow...ok, you get the point.  In the meantime, while I'd prefer a good glock over a good cry, I'll settle for doing my best and praying about the rest.  God is able. He told me so.  I believe Him.

Life Lessons and Speeding Seeds

     So, here it is day two of my new found outlet of my old love of writing, in the new format of blogging.  And I already have something to say.  Imagine that. 
     I got a speeding ticket today.  Yep. My first one in over 30 years and only my second one, ever --  In the presence of my 16 year old son, no less, who is working to become an independent driver.  Ironically, I am the driving rule follower that sets my cruise control so I don't speed.  When I give people directions to my house, I'm always saying about a particular road: Speed limit is 25 mph..make sure you go the speed limit! 
     We were driving to the SAT test, late, and I'm was going a different road than I had planned on going, but we left late, so I thought this might be quicker. I really wasn't rushing, though I obviously wasn't paying attention to my speedometer -- probably because said son and I were having a 'discussion' about being on time and remembering items that 'we' need to bring with us so we don't have to rush and the like.  I saw police car lights behind me and thought:  "Oh great, now we have to pull over, now we'll be late."  And then, he pulled in behind me, to which I then commented, "Wait!  It's me he's after.  What did I do?"  I truly had no idea.   And then, I commented, "Well, now we're really late; no SAT today."  Officer, I forget his name, came up to my car window, and there I sit, my blonde, tired, tousled, no-coffee-yet self, dumb as a stick thinking, "What did I do?"  He proceeds to tell me I was going 42 in a 25 mph area...I proceeded to respond with shock and dismay (which was real and not acting) and explained that I had no idea and that we were running late for my son's SAT test and that we were arguing about being late.  Said son was sitting in the passenger seat with calculator, pencils and SAT admission ticket in his lap -- granted he looked like a wild beast since he, too, was just recently awake, with massively scruffy beard and unruly hair from the Pirates of Penzance play that had just completed it's run last night...looking very UNlike a studious young man trying to make it to his SAT. 
     Now, had I had my wits about me, or any bit of acting ability like the Pirate King sitting next to me, perhaps I would have conjured up tears and fantastic reasons for my scattered brains and lack of obedience with the speeding laws such as:  "My darling mother-in-law passed away just a few weeks ago and I've been so distracted, and my son just finished a show last night and we were both exhausted, and I haven't had a speeding ticket in 30 years and am that kind of woman that sets my cruise control to make sure I don't speed and please, please couldn't he just give me a warning so we don't miss the SAT that my son is already a bit late for...see?  There's the admission ticket in his hand, and by the way, we're getting a haircut and shave on the way home since the play is now over..." and looked at him with quivering, uncontrolled lip and tear filled eyes.
       Oh wait, all that is true. And I did do, say, cry all that AFTER he gave me the ticket. 
       My timing always has been off.
       After all was said and done and he meandered on his merry way to find another recipient of his Saturday morning gift of a speeding ticket, I just couldn't stop crying. I think the stress of the last three weeks finally came crashing down upon my head and emotions -- all over a stupid speeding ticket. Yes. I said the "S" word.  Stupid.  
       My poor son didn't know what to do with me.  He finally had to drive so we could be safe since I just couldn't stop blubbering. I started, then, to chastise myself for being one of those 'women who cry over a speeding ticket'.  'Get a grip' I kept telling myself.  But I couldn't.  It took awhile, but I finally stopped.  My son offered to pay the $50 for the SAT test we missed, since, as he admitted, he was the one that made us leave late;  I felt that was very mature of him, and that set me to crying, again.  What a girl.
       Well, "they" say, all things work for good, right?  Oh wait, that wasn't 'they' that said that, It was Him.  That's from the Bible, inspired by God:  "All things work for the good for those who love the Lord", Romans 8:28. 
        While I'm pretty sure points on my license and a hefty fine is not good, I can already see some good that will come out of this. I saw a tender, understanding side of my son. I saw a forgiving, supportive side of my husband.  My new driver saw that you don't drive when you're rushed or distracted, that leaving early has it's reasons including not needing to be rushed or distracted. The same teen son saw that speeding does indeed equal a ticket even if you never, ever, speed...that you always have to be diligent in paying attention to the law, and that regardless of the excuses or reasons or circumstances that a law is a law and there are consequences.
         That lesson in and of itself can now translate into our lives.  God means what
He says. There is grace, mercy and forgiveness. But there are also consequences to choices, decisions, or just lack of focus.  Same in parenting and being a kid:  Parents should mean what they say.  There is grace, and mercy, and forgiveness, but there need to be consequences to choices, decisions, or just lack of focus.  That's life.  It is my job as a mom, after all, to help my boys learn about life before they are out on their own. To love them, protect them, help them, encourage them, uplift them, discipline them, and....to let them deal with the consequences of bad habits, unwise choices, or just plain lack of focus. 
          So, my stepping stone today could translate into a quite expensive one, but it is already morphing into one that I will, I think, bring good along with it.  Maybe this will be a little flower seed that was dropped by the stone that will eventually grow into something beautiful.

Stepping Stones

     So, I've entered this century.  At Christmas, I got a phone, a smart cell phone no less, with texting.  And I can even text sort of quickly...ok, not really, but I am texting.  And now, here I am typing my first ever blog.  I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not even sure what a blog is.  What do you use it for?  To whom do you send it?  Who even cares to read it?  And what wandering thoughts of mine could possibly make any difference to the world of bloggers or random people out there?  All questions to be pondered.  Just thinking about 'customizing' the blog page alone on top of everything else I am behind on, is enough to make me hit "delete" and say "forget this".  But, at the encouragement of a few friends, and with the distant memory of how "I used to write" ages ago, before homeschooling and running a small business and taking care of three boys, a husband and a home, and middle age where my mind is scattered and, and, and... I think, I know, I will give this a try...for what it's worth.  So, what's a worthy first-post?  An introduction of "who am I and why am I here"?  A clever ditty?  A scripture?
     I found a quote today that I feel will do quite nicely: 
     "God not only walks with us through the hard times...
       ...He turns them into stepping stones that take us places
       we never could have gone without them."  ~ Holly Gerth
     I have been stepping on many stones these past four years, but truth be known, for most of my adult life (and even childhood if I allow myself to go that far back in memory). As far back as I can remember, I've been faced with continual 'big' life problems and issues intermixed with the 'happy' and 'good' moments that keep me going.  These constant challenges and struggles make a winding path of these stepping stones.  But, to think of it, stepping stones, by name alone, are for stepping..leading us somewhere. They aren't random stones on the ground. They are placed, purposefully, to lead us somewhere..to keep our feet strong and safe on an uneven path, to help us up the mountain, through the stream, or around whatever it is we are supposed to be avoiding.  They are strong and stable. And oftentimes, beauty surrounds those stones; a bit of moss or grass that starts to grow around them, or wind or birds dropping seeds on the ground that sprout into tiny flowers sending dabbles of color between the stone.  
     Could it be that these stones born out of hard times are, indeed, on the path that is intended to be straight and lead us with purpose to God's plan for our lives?  "Trust in the Lord...with all you have and all you are...don't try and figure it out yourself...just talk about Him in all you do and put your life in His hands, trust Him to help you and to lead you and to direct your steps..he will clear the path and and you will walk straight." (Paraphrased, Proverbs 3:5&6)
   Does he not only clear the path, but then put strong, solid, foundational stepping stones there so that we will not need to endure the same struggles again, but move forward?  Does this new path, then, lead us toward His ultimate purpose for our lives?
    "'I know the plans I have for you', says the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you, and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  (Jeremiah 29:11)
     A hope and a future.
    We could all use some hope for the future.
     So, today, as I finish out this first blog post of random thoughts that I followed as my fingers took themselves on a journey around my keyboard (before I even finished my first cup of coffee no less), my hope today is to focus on the positive...focus on the hope and the future, instead of the situations that created the need for the stones in the first place.